1. Pick the Right Battles. Your spouse comes home from work drenched
from the rain because he forgot an umbrella. You told him to take one that morning
after you heard the weather report.
Before you start criticizing him while he’s soaked, ask yourself this
wise question, “Does this affect me?” In
this example, it doesn’t. He arrived
home drenched, not you. So don’t pick
that battle. In the future, when your
spouse makes a mistake and it doesn’t affect you, rather than using a “fight
line” like “I told you to take an umbrella, you should have listened to me!”
use a compassionate love line like, “You’re all wet. Do you want a towel?” And, if you find it
hard to say those words, just say nothing.
2. Give a Character Compliment.
In researching my book we did an on-line survey and found some interesting
results that can help us understand how to have a better marriage. There is a specific type of compliment that
people want to receive. When we asked
individuals “Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or
good-looking?” the result was that 84% said “kind.” The lesson: find daily opportunities to
compliment your mate’s character (such as his/her generosity to a friend,
compassion to a relative, etc.). Offer
up character compliments to your children, too.
Share this research study with your family and ask them to join you in a
character compliment challenge.
3. Avoid Premature Arguments. My clients are smart people, who often have
dumb arguments with their spouse. One
type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens almost every
relationship. I call it the “premature
argument.” Look out for those times when
you and your mate get into a brawl about a decision that doesn’t have to be
made for weeks, months or years, such as where to go for Christmas Eve… the
following year, or who to invite to your
10-year anniversary party when you’re only married eight years. When you realize you’re arguing about
something prematurely, stop yourself and say, “Hey, we’re having a dumb
argument. Let’s stop talking about this
now and continue the conversation when we have more information.”
4. Follow-Up. A little bit of remembering shows a lot of
love. If you know your spouse has an important meeting, doctor’s appointment,
job interview etc., be sure to follow up with your mate that day. Call, email, text or ask in person, “How did
it go?” This sends a clear message: I
care about you and you are important to me. Make it a habit to do this whenever
something unique happens during your mate’s day. And if you seldom have anything to follow up
on, that’s a telltale sign that you don’t know or care about what is going on
during your mate’s days. So start
asking, listening and remembering. It’s
also a great idea to follow up on your children’s daily activities. But be sure to teach them to reciprocate and
ask you about your day too.
5. Disagree without Being Disagreeable. An easy way to start a fight is to quickly
jump in to say “You’re wrong” or “That’s a stupid idea!” Meanwhile, a better, more loving way to make
the same point is to use a wise question.
The moment you know you disagree with what your spouse said, stop and
ask the powerful question, “Why do you think that?” Listen to the answer (you may uncover some
new information to alter your opinion), then feel free to disagree without
using judgmental words. By holding your
tongue and listening first (even if it’s only for a minute), you show
respect. And when your children overhear
you, they learn an important lesson about how to turn a disagreement into a
conversation.
The
values we hold dear to us–respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and
companionship–are fostered or destroyed every day by our word choices and
actions. If you resolve to use these
five simple communication tips, you will discover that your love will be
stronger and better than ever.
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