The child and his mother:
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
Wrong email address:
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Will’s experience at the airport:
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Clever kids:
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
Wrong email address:
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Will’s experience at the airport:
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Clever kids:
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Lady Gets on a Bus
A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking
her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.
The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the
hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we
make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and
I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."
Three Birds on a Wire
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following
story:
"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on
the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."
"Okay," she said guardedly.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle,
and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?"
"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think."
Tour of Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long line, he is
surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting
in a chair with his feet up on a table.
"Hello there," said the angel, "I'm Saint Peter, welcome to heaven!"
"Thank you, Saint Peter," said the man, "where is everyone?"
"Well, you're in luck. Today is just a very slow day, and to make
the time pass, I like to give tours to the new arrivals. Would you
enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?"
"Gosh, I'd love a tour of heaven...lead on, Saint Peter, lead on."
Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere. They go to hear the Heavenly
Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great
Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just
overwhelmed. Finally, Saint Peter take him to the Throne Room of
God himself. The man's heart skips a beat, and the light at the
far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can't
stand it any longer. He is escorted out.
Then, Saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled with thousands
and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds.
The man is puzzled. He asks, "What is this room full of clocks
all about?"
In a lecturing tone, Saint Peter describes, "This is the Room of
Souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul.
The time on each clock represents how long each is to live. Each
and every time a person lies, however, the hands of the clock move
a bit faster."
The man glances up and notices a huge clock, face downward,
whizzing around at a great rate of speed. His curiosity gets the
better of him and he asks, "What is that clock?"
"Oh that one. That's OJ's clock. We use it as a fan."
The Old Lady Who Makes Bets
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America
one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"
The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here
and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a
very busy man."
"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old
woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then
walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said,
"You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered
her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man
behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and
asked, "How can I help you?"
She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed
the bag of money on his desk.
"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.
"$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.
The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around,
especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by
this kind of money?"
The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets."
Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square."
"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls,
my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.
"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning,
I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got
yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking
to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay."
He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you
should be absolutely sure."
As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?"
The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the
Bank of America in my hands."
Golf at Pebble Beach
A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take
his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is
really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf.
The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the
beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club.
After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out
to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the
course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, they catch
up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish
the seventh before they can play it.
A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the
water. His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway.
The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to
the water to find his ball. He can't believe his eyes.
To the golf pro, he blurts out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus
Christ?"
The pro answers, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."
Gorilla My Dreams
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery,
and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
male gorillas of that species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told
about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any
female, but he wasn't very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to
screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some
interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly,
I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so
they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up
with the five hundred bucks."
Students at the Races
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting
up the little boys by their armpits.
As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather
well endowed, especially for a little kid.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
But thanks for the lift anyhow."
Love on Mars
The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian
couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if
Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the same way you do," responds the Martian woman.
Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them
and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny
member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen understandably.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite remarkably long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love for many hours.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and
go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks,
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it honey," says Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a terrible headache.
All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd
be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Bored in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"
Cathouse Parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how
much. The owner said it was just $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She
hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to
say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later,
the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores,
same old faces. Hi George!"
I Need a Wrench
A husband and wife surveyor team are working on a new plot of land
for a building development.
They are standing some ninety or a hundred yards apart when
the husband discovers he is missing a tool he needs for something
he is working on.
So he whistles to his wife. When she looks at him, he gestures.
He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then pantomimes the
motion of turning a wrench. "I need a wrench," he says as he
gestures, knowing she is too far away to hear him.
She watches his gestures and nods. Then she gestures back.
She points to her eye, then touches her heart, and then touches
her crotch.
He doesn't get her reply so he repeats his gesture sequence. "I
need a wrench," he repeats.
She nods even more vigorously and repeats her sequence but he
still doesn't get it.
Later that evening at dinner, the husband says, "You know this
afternoon, when I gestured to you?"
She says, "Yes, I remember."
He says, "I was trying to tell you that (gesturing) 'I need a
wrench.'"
"Oh yeah, I got that. I tried to tell you that (gesturing) 'I
left it in the box.'"
Prison Jokester
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden
takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer
so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what
to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns
is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner
is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated,
one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47." Everyone
in the hall laughs hysterically. A few minutes later, another
prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of
laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell,
the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I
thought you said there was no talking allowed."
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on
that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see,
all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories
by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its
number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's
like someone told the whole funny story."
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets
up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says,
"26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26."
Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened.
"That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed."
The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."
Profane Polly
A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird.
He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet birds in my
life and now I'm looking for something really special. Have
anything I might like?"
"Yessir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a
vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about
sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive."
"Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don't you bring him out here?"
The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green
bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird
on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in
another part of the shop.
The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual
way, "Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?"
The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly
believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains,
they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk
about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded.
"I'll take him," he calls out to the clerk, "take him home with
me today."
"Very good, sir," says the clerk. They conclude the transaction
and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.
As soon as they get to the man's home, the bird goes into a loud
tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and
on without end. The man can't believe it.
"Look, bird, you didn't do any of this in the shop. I have
guests coming over tonight. Don't you dare embarrass me with
this kind of language."
The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.
The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That
will quiet him down, thinks the man.
Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely
silent. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.
"Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not
know what got it to me."
The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his
shoulder and the man goes about his business.
A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks
quietly, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?"
Sesame Street Bus
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary
school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters
from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and
the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said,
" Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new
bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
"Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"
The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued,
"He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him."
The bus driver replied, "No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can
watch him carefully in the mirror."
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was
wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy
had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi,
I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"
The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese." Well, little Lester picked at his
bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
"Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A
Sesame Street Bus."
Ticket Excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red
lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures
he can't outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let
you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back to me!
Modern Aesop's Fable
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they
saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn
he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get
out of the mud.
So he tells the chicken, "Hey, go over to that farm house and get
some help to get me out of this mud."
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to
help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that
there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in
the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road,
ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to
the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more
corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over
the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken
gets stuck in the mud.
The chicken tells the horse, "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull
me out of this mud."
The horse surveys the problem and says, "I think I can straddle
this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my
dick and I'll pull you out of the mud." The horse does as he says
and the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what is the moral of this story?
When your hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks!
A Boy and a Frog
One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him,
"Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess."
The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog
into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, "Boy, if you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will
stay with you for a week."
The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it
back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said,
"Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will do ANYTHING you want!"
The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back.
Finally, the frog cried, "Boy, what is the matter, I have told you
that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, "Look, I am an
engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog is cool!"
Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom,
who lived three hours away.
"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"
"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get
me!" begged the bride.
"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell
me what's troubling you," said her mom.
Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST,
IRON, COOK, WASH!"
Afraid of the Dark
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up and noticed
Patient #2's face is all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
The Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in
the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.
"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
Funniest Urban Legends
A CHARLOTTE, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued — and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that the cigars would be insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company grudgingly accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.
So don't piss off your insurance company!
A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking
her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.
The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the
hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we
make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and
I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."
Three Birds on a Wire
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following
story:
"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on
the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."
"Okay," she said guardedly.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle,
and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?"
"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think."
Tour of Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long line, he is
surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting
in a chair with his feet up on a table.
"Hello there," said the angel, "I'm Saint Peter, welcome to heaven!"
"Thank you, Saint Peter," said the man, "where is everyone?"
"Well, you're in luck. Today is just a very slow day, and to make
the time pass, I like to give tours to the new arrivals. Would you
enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?"
"Gosh, I'd love a tour of heaven...lead on, Saint Peter, lead on."
Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere. They go to hear the Heavenly
Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great
Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just
overwhelmed. Finally, Saint Peter take him to the Throne Room of
God himself. The man's heart skips a beat, and the light at the
far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can't
stand it any longer. He is escorted out.
Then, Saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled with thousands
and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds.
The man is puzzled. He asks, "What is this room full of clocks
all about?"
In a lecturing tone, Saint Peter describes, "This is the Room of
Souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul.
The time on each clock represents how long each is to live. Each
and every time a person lies, however, the hands of the clock move
a bit faster."
The man glances up and notices a huge clock, face downward,
whizzing around at a great rate of speed. His curiosity gets the
better of him and he asks, "What is that clock?"
"Oh that one. That's OJ's clock. We use it as a fan."
The Old Lady Who Makes Bets
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America
one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"
The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here
and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a
very busy man."
"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old
woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then
walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said,
"You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered
her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man
behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and
asked, "How can I help you?"
She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed
the bag of money on his desk.
"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.
"$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.
The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around,
especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by
this kind of money?"
The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets."
Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square."
"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls,
my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.
"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning,
I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got
yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking
to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay."
He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you
should be absolutely sure."
As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?"
The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the
Bank of America in my hands."
Golf at Pebble Beach
A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take
his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is
really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf.
The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the
beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club.
After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out
to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the
course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, they catch
up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish
the seventh before they can play it.
A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the
water. His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway.
The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to
the water to find his ball. He can't believe his eyes.
To the golf pro, he blurts out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus
Christ?"
The pro answers, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."
Gorilla My Dreams
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery,
and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
male gorillas of that species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told
about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any
female, but he wasn't very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to
screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some
interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly,
I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so
they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up
with the five hundred bucks."
Students at the Races
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting
up the little boys by their armpits.
As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather
well endowed, especially for a little kid.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
But thanks for the lift anyhow."
Love on Mars
The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian
couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if
Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the same way you do," responds the Martian woman.
Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them
and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny
member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen understandably.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite remarkably long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love for many hours.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and
go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks,
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it honey," says Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a terrible headache.
All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd
be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Bored in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"
Cathouse Parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how
much. The owner said it was just $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She
hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to
say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later,
the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores,
same old faces. Hi George!"
I Need a Wrench
A husband and wife surveyor team are working on a new plot of land
for a building development.
They are standing some ninety or a hundred yards apart when
the husband discovers he is missing a tool he needs for something
he is working on.
So he whistles to his wife. When she looks at him, he gestures.
He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then pantomimes the
motion of turning a wrench. "I need a wrench," he says as he
gestures, knowing she is too far away to hear him.
She watches his gestures and nods. Then she gestures back.
She points to her eye, then touches her heart, and then touches
her crotch.
He doesn't get her reply so he repeats his gesture sequence. "I
need a wrench," he repeats.
She nods even more vigorously and repeats her sequence but he
still doesn't get it.
Later that evening at dinner, the husband says, "You know this
afternoon, when I gestured to you?"
She says, "Yes, I remember."
He says, "I was trying to tell you that (gesturing) 'I need a
wrench.'"
"Oh yeah, I got that. I tried to tell you that (gesturing) 'I
left it in the box.'"
Prison Jokester
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden
takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer
so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what
to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns
is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner
is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated,
one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47." Everyone
in the hall laughs hysterically. A few minutes later, another
prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of
laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell,
the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I
thought you said there was no talking allowed."
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on
that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see,
all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories
by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its
number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's
like someone told the whole funny story."
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets
up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says,
"26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26."
Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened.
"That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed."
The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."
Profane Polly
A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird.
He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet birds in my
life and now I'm looking for something really special. Have
anything I might like?"
"Yessir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a
vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about
sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive."
"Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don't you bring him out here?"
The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green
bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird
on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in
another part of the shop.
The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual
way, "Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?"
The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly
believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains,
they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk
about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded.
"I'll take him," he calls out to the clerk, "take him home with
me today."
"Very good, sir," says the clerk. They conclude the transaction
and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.
As soon as they get to the man's home, the bird goes into a loud
tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and
on without end. The man can't believe it.
"Look, bird, you didn't do any of this in the shop. I have
guests coming over tonight. Don't you dare embarrass me with
this kind of language."
The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.
The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That
will quiet him down, thinks the man.
Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely
silent. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.
"Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not
know what got it to me."
The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his
shoulder and the man goes about his business.
A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks
quietly, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?"
Sesame Street Bus
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary
school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters
from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and
the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said,
" Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new
bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
"Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"
The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued,
"He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him."
The bus driver replied, "No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can
watch him carefully in the mirror."
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was
wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy
had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi,
I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?"
The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese." Well, little Lester picked at his
bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
"Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A
Sesame Street Bus."
Ticket Excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red
lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures
he can't outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let
you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back to me!
Modern Aesop's Fable
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they
saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn
he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get
out of the mud.
So he tells the chicken, "Hey, go over to that farm house and get
some help to get me out of this mud."
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to
help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that
there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in
the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road,
ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to
the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more
corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over
the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken
gets stuck in the mud.
The chicken tells the horse, "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull
me out of this mud."
The horse surveys the problem and says, "I think I can straddle
this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my
dick and I'll pull you out of the mud." The horse does as he says
and the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what is the moral of this story?
When your hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks!
A Boy and a Frog
One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him,
"Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess."
The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog
into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, "Boy, if you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will
stay with you for a week."
The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it
back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said,
"Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will do ANYTHING you want!"
The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back.
Finally, the frog cried, "Boy, what is the matter, I have told you
that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, "Look, I am an
engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog is cool!"
Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom,
who lived three hours away.
"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"
"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get
me!" begged the bride.
"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell
me what's troubling you," said her mom.
Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST,
IRON, COOK, WASH!"
Afraid of the Dark
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up and noticed
Patient #2's face is all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, don't you think
you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
The Painting Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in
the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.
"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
Funniest Urban Legends
A CHARLOTTE, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued — and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that the cigars would be insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company grudgingly accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.
So don't piss off your insurance company!
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